Sad

So after 17 years my friend who I call my Lil Sis is finally moving away from me. She and her Hubby are aiming south, down to the old folks state of Florida. Both of us have had a history of losing people, both friends and family, so we always swore we'd be the ones who always stuck together. But life turns and sometimes you just can't fight the passage of time. This isn't the first time she was supposed to move away, but this will be the last. The last few scares sent me into a major depression at the time. So far I'm coping better this time around, I'm old enough to know that distance doesn't mean endings, not if the love is strong enough. I've held onto my Bro even though he's been in bOregon for about 10 years now. My little Brendragon has been in Denver for several years, and while talking to her is sometimes far between the love is still there. J$ moved to San Damn Diego. Boston is, well in Boston of course. So I have no doubt that my Lil Sis will stay in touch. I also know that over the last few years we haven't spent nearly as much time hanging out as we used to. But part of it was knowing that if something went wrong with either of us we were within running distance. Too many times we have been each others go to person when everything falls apart. I know she has her hubby and I my wife, but it's scary thinking I'll be facing life without her nearby.

Quiet and Creepy

So I'm sitting at Yale's Health Building tonight (not my usual post but someone called out so I got pulled to here). The Overnight Docs are up on the 5th floor, so I'm all alone down here in a large brightly lit medical facility.
Of course I'm watching Zombie movies.
It's just such a perfect setting for one. The odd noises from the air systems and electronic doors. The wind blowing outside. The survallance cameras that seem to catch slight movement in them when your not quite looking. The basement cameras, where the lights are off, but are motioned sensored and will sometimes come on for no aparent reason.
I so love this.
I've always thought that there are several places on the Yale campus that could serve as a serious location for a good horror movie, and I need to add this building to the list (which includes the Yale Law School, Old Campus, and several of the Libraries). Add in that there is a long hallway directly behind my desk, which is one of the few areas on the ground floor that isn't lit up, a nice solid black yawning area right behind my back. It even includes a faint exit sign way back that is slowly dying so it winks off and on every now and then. Also, a very loud wall clock ticking off the minutes just to my left.
Now, with an hour and a half left I have to just decide which Zombie film to finish my night with....

Peek-A-Boo

So I have become somewhat addicted to Facebook. Not sure why.
Seems like a ton of people who I once knew keep trying to friend me on it, but since most of them are folks I was never interested in knowing even when I did see them I see no reason why I should know them now. Just because I went to the same school as someone doesn't mean I feel an everlasting kinship with them. Heck, I've had folks who I have beaten the hell out of try to friend me, explain that?
However, I have been able to contact and keep in some sort of contact with a few friends who had vanished form my life. While this may not lead to a complete renewal of our friendship at least it is a way to know they are doing good and know that I still think fondly of them and their time in my life.
Oddly, or maybe not so, I have found both Isis and Heaven on there, but neither of them have responded to my friend link. I guess some friendships do die in time. They still have a place in my life and my heart if they want it, but I have never been the kind to force someone to accept me and myself into their lives if they don't want me. I just hope they know that I still love them and always will.
Married life is great. I just wish we got more time together. Due to our schedule we get maybe 2 hours a day during the week, but at least we both have weekends off. It's just funny how quickly the weekends fill up with stuff to do. Seems like we don't get a lot of down time to spend alone.
I am going through a period of buying my dentist a new car with the amount of money he'll get from working on my teeth. I have never had many problems with my teeth before, and perhaps I was wrong in not seeing a dentist for 13 years, but I still don't like going. I've already told him once everything's fixed he may not be seeing me very often.
I have found that I both like cooking and seem to have a talent for it. I make a wicked meatloaf and a chili that I believe could do good at our local contest. I'm learning my way around Mexican food, which we love, and now that I have a grill I'll be having fun coming up with creative things to do on that too. I do my best to have dinner on the table for when babushka gets home at night. The only draw-back is when she ends up running late. But there's always a way around that. I just wish I could learn to cut down on portions sizes, my waist line seems to get a little worse with each visit to the Doc. (Who I REALLY need to go see again soon. I've been putting it off while I deal with the dentist.). I think my arthritis has spread from my back into my knees.
I'm also trying to figure out how to go about getting autographs of the folks from the T.V. shows Ghost Hunters and Mythbusters. I was never much of an autograph hunter, but recently I realized I've got a little collection going. This includes Elvira, Lou Ferrigno, Jennifer Tilly, Terry Pratchett, Millvina Dean (last survivor of the Titanic), and a few others. Maybe not the most famous folks out there, but
if I'm going to spend money on someones signature it's got to be someone I like, not just someones who's famous. It's just that most of my auto's are from card sets, I'm still trying to figure out how to get them from folks who aren't in cards or in my area. Do I just mail something with a SASE and hope they return it? So confusing.
I hope every out there is doing good. I'm not sure if anyone is left in blogland, all of my old crowd seems to have left this writing place behind. But I'll keep dropping by when I have stuff on my mind or just some Chaos to spread.
Peace.

life

So the marriage went off great. We had a beautiful day and everyone had a good time. The honeymoon was fantastic (we even left the bedroom a couple of times!).
Now it's back to life. Funny how no matter how big or important an event seems, time moves it back into the past and things just go back to normal in a much shorter time than you'd expect.
Work goes good. The Apartment is good (except for a battle against fruit flies which I seem to be losing). Little by little it's getting organized. Babushka is car shopping and we should have a new one for her by next week. I'm hoping to pick up a grill this weekend (finally). I am seeing my Doc this Friday, have been out of my meds since the week before the wedding. We also are going to finalize our pictures from the wedding photographer this weekend for the wedding album. We may even make some headway on the thank you cards.
All in all things are good.
Lets see how long it lasts.

Attention

If everyone will please excuse me... I have my wedding to attend....

Meanings

Forever. Always.
What exactly do those words mean. Seems like they get used alot and yet the definition of them gets lost.
In my wedding Vows I use the word 'forever'. Yet as I think back on my life and the times when I heard it before, or 'always' for that matter, seems like they last a lot less time than you'd think. I remember friends who told me they'd 'always' be there for me, or relationships where they'd love me 'forever'. Yet here I am and they are gone, and I'd swear it hasn't been 'forever' yet. Maybe it's my own fault. I still love them all, even if it's been years or if it ended badly. Maybe I just have a different definition of the words 'forever' and 'always' than most people do. They seem to get used because it's easier than saying 'until the situation changes' or 'until I get what I want' or 'until my emotions and opinions change'. I really do wish I could have all my old friends and loves still a part of my life. Oh, I wouldn't be dating any of them, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could still see them, or hug them. Even when the relationships ended I still love them, maybe not in the same way, but I'm one who feel that loves and friendships only die if we let them.
Yet so many who have left me have used the words before. The Demon told me she'd 'always' want me in her life. Heaven said she'd love me 'forever'. ect.
So what does that make the words mean then? If they can be disregarded so easily? When I hear them from my little Babushka, my wife to be, what proof do I have that this time they might be real? How do you believe in words that have lied to you before? How do I explain that I shudder inside sometimes when I hear her say things that I've heard others say a million times before they left me alone? How do I explain I'm not afraid of getting married, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up to another empty bed, another empty promise, another empty 'forever'?

Maybe.. maybe it's not the words that I need to believe, maybe its' the person who says them?

I have much to think about.....

Stag

So despite my misgivings, the stag went well. There was poker, and ping-pong, and a comedian. Not too bad for a non-stripper stag. I got to see a lot of friends, some of who I haven't seen in quite a while, which was nice. I didn't drink too much, and even got to invite a few folks to the wedding who I had wanted to be there but didn't know how to contact. I'm proud of my Cuz's for pulling it off, who knew they could actually be responsible? Of course, their Moms will never believe it.
Now there is 3 weeks left. We're meeting with the DJ tom night, which is good because I was starting to get worried. We also need to finish putting the favors together, something that can be done in advance so I don't have to worry about it went he time comes.
All in all.. things go well.

Friday Random 10

1. What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie
2. Madolin Rain - Bruce Hornsby and the Range
3. Many the Miles - Sarah Bareillis
4. All Arund my Hat - Steeleyed Span
5. Kodachrome - Simon and Garfunkle
6. Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park
7. Don't Think I Don't Think About It - Darius Rucker
8. March of the Villains - John Williams
9. End of the World - REM
10. Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty

And as is my tradition, 2 extra
11. Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance
12. Rosemary - Grateful Dead

The Lady: Babushka (aka Mrs. Azathoth)

Babushka. My Angel. My Wife.
We will be married on June 27th of this year.
I met her at a friends party. Her older sister was dating Midget at the time. At first things were rocky between us, she kept losing my e-mail address, so I'd see her then not hear from her till Midget would ask me for my e-mail again. Once she went to collage things picked up, with me visiting her there. It was one night while I was leaving that she jumped up and started kissing me while I was getting in my car.
Since then the only problem was a year long break up over the concept of children. She wants them. I don't. But in the end we reunited because she decided she would rather be with me without kids than have them with someone else.
We now live together (and are desperatly trying to figure out how the hell we're going to fit all our stuff into out aprt.) and are preparing for our upcoming nuptials. Were the type of couple that makes other people sick, all cutsie an cuddly. I couldn't have asked for a better woman to share my life.
Love works, no matter what the jaded people may say.

The Ladies: pt.7 The Demon

16 years of love, hate, and heartbreak.
I met my Demon through her sister Eggy. At first that's all she was, just the little sister to a girl I had a crush on. But as years passed, and Eggy had a boyfriend, I started spending more and more time hanging out with Demon.
I think I first realized I had feelings for her when she left to live in the south for a year and I found myself missing her a lot more than I should have. When she got back we spent a lot of time together. She went to collage, to hair school, and I would spend weekends with her. Finally, after driving my friends nuts about her, I worked up the courage to ask her out.
She said no and stopped talking to me then.
Almost two years went by. Then one day I went to visit Eggy (who I stayed friends with) and there was the Demon. She acted like nothing had ever happened, and so I let it all drop. We quickly got back into our friendship, hanging out almost ever day. This went on for about a year. Then she started flirting with me. I told her, straight out, that I still had feelings for her so not to joke around. She kept flirting. I kept letting it slid, I'd flirt back but did my best not to take it too serious. Then one night she kissed me. Well, that did it, and so I asked her out again.
She said no and left my life again. (She actually told me that she "dated a**holes cause that's how she was used to being treated and that I made her feel special and she didn't know how to handle it" her exact words. I didn't then, and still don't know what I was supposed to say to that.).
After 4 years she showed back up. The first night I saw her she told me she loved me and had for a long time but didn't know how to deal with it. So after all this time we started to date. I still remember the first time we made love, I was so nervous, after all the years of wanting her I just couldn't believe it was happening, that it took me a while to 'get it up' (and despite all the jokes that can be made, it was the only time in my life that had or has ever happened). Needless to say the nervousness didn't last and we went at it like rabbits while we were together.
Then one night after about 2 months she called me up after being out at a bar and broke up with me.
That was several years ago. Last I heard she got pregnant by a guy she met at a bar and married him and they now live in a town nearby me (that I fortunately never go to).
I have let her come and go in my life, and allowed her to break my heart several times. I never treated her bad, never made a fuss about how things turned out. I learned a long time ago that she had been abused when she was little, and she had a very hard time dealing with relationships. I always gave her the freedom to just be herself, and always did my best to make her feel special. I have no regrets about her, and hope that she has found the happiness that I couldn't give her. When we were together she was my Angel. When we were apart she was my Demon. Even now I wish that she knows that I will always consider her my friend and be here if she needs me. I no longer have the desire to be with her, a feeling that haunted me for many years and through many of my other relationships, but I also know that we made great friends and had a lot of fun together (she once said that I was the only person who could make her smile because she was happy and not just fake it to fit in with the people around her). I miss that. I miss her. But life moves on....